Beetle-Babe vs Roxanne Ritchi
by Elf Kid2.0
Summary: Roxanne is kidnapped by a nefarious evil-doer! It's nothing she can't handle. (Featuring: Roxanne Ritchi with a RAY-GUN!)


Being kidnapped was one thing. By now, Roxanne was almost used to being kidnapped on a semi-regular basis. Being kidnapped by a swarm robotic bugs while she was _in the middle of a report?!_ Cut off mid-interview?! That was different.

Tiny legs and pincers clamped onto her clothes, poking at her skin as the metal bugs lifted her higher on buzzing wings. Their carapaces were too hard crush with a strong bug-slap. A swarm of metal-shelled crawlies kept her from reaching the buttons of her jacket and slipping free.

When she realized they were already two stories high and rising, she stopped struggling. A person could die, falling from that height. Roxanne didn't want to die.

Technically, Roxanne was accustomed to facing mortal peril with a cool smile and a sarcastic remark almost every other week. Technically, a little kidnapping was nothing for her to be worried about at all.

To be more specific, Roxanne was accustomed to facing _Megamind's_ very specific brand of '_mortal peril_'. Clearly labelled time-bombs, with plenty of time on the clock. Lasers aimed just a few inches to the left of her head, whirling blades that were never quite close enough to cut, a deathtrap with an implausibly slow conveyor-belt. All that to say, Megamind had certain standards when it came to kidnappings: preemptive or purposeless harm to hostages, for example, damaged one's bargaining power. Minimizing interference with her reports was just professional courtesy.

This kidnapping was not up to Megamind's usual standards. Tiny, insectoid robots grabbing a hostage by the jacket and carrying her through the air at potentially lethal heights? Not his style. Adding to that the interrupted interview, and the fact that Megamind was currently working with bird-motifs, not bugs, and Roxanne could only conclude that someone else was kidnapping her. Which meant that she needed all the information she could get.

Being carried through the city via a worryingly precarious method, the wind in her air and the smell of french-fries, gasoline and car-exhaust in her nose, metal bugs poking at her skin and buzzing in her ears as they went… there wasn't much she could do but observe, at the moment. So. Focus on the knowable. Focus on the available facts.

Fact: Roxanne was being kidnapped by a swarm of robotic insects: specifically, beetles.

Fact: They were headed in- the general direction of the industrial district. Getting closer to the waterfront.

Fact: If she was remembering right about the location of the factory with the striped chimneys and the boarded-shut red doors, they were currently on 668th Street.

Fact: They were losing altitude. Approaching the skylight of one of the warehouses lining the street. Her time for observations and collecting data was decidedly limited.

The beetles lowered her through the skylight, and Roxanne saw a wide-open warehouse space, with stacks of wooden crates piled against one wall, and a variation of what Roxanne thought of as the 'typical Evil Scheme set-up'- an array of screens with various angles on the Central Trust Bank and its main vault, a row of control-panels with beetle-shaped buttons, a table covered in tools, spare parts, old candy-wrappers and half-empty bags of chips, and of course, a woman in oversized goggles and a (kind of hokey-looking) armored green beetle costume, and a camera on a tripod.

"Beetle-Babe, I presume?" Roxanne said as the swarm swarm set her back on her feet a scant few yards away from the villain. "I heard you were in town."

"Urgh! It's '_Queen Coleoptera!_ Why can't you blasted newsies get it right?" she demanded, pacing angrily and completely failing to restrain Roxanne in any way. "I am supreme royalty! I am named for the noble and renowned scientific order of beetles! My name is one of strength, power, and _perfection_, and yet you dare address me as _Beetle-Babe?!_"

"In your first public appearance, you were too busy demanding money and extolling the wonders of beetles to actually introduce yourself, so news-outlets had to get creative," Roxanne said flatly, standing still to avoid drawing attention to the fact that she was unrestrained. "Also, people keep getting 'Coleoptera' confused with 'Cleopatra'. Don't feel bad; it happens all the time."

"Am I supposed to _apologize_ for trying to enlighten the world about the evolutionary perfection of the diverse and beautiful beetle?" The woman shook her head, then struck a pose. "Anyway, that won't matter after today! EVERYONE will remember the name QUEEN COLEOPTERA when I kill Metro Man and take my rightful place as the greatest Super Villain the world has ever seen!"

_Not in this town_, Roxanne thought, but didn't say out loud. The swarm of robo-beetles was still there, and they could be seriously dangerous- she needed to choose her moment carefully. Those tools on the table- viable weapons, if she could her hands on them without the swarm taking her up high and dropping her.

The Villain was still talking. She should probably at least act like she cares what the obviously second-rate evil-doer has to say.

"...When my swarm infiltrates the pitifully faulty, macro-oriented security system of this bank, I'll be rich! I'll walk away with more dollar-bills than there are known species of beetles- and there are over 400,000 species! There's 83,000 species of Order Curculionidae alone; that's how many hundred-dollar bills I'll have! And you know the best part? With you, Metro Man's sweetheart, as my helpless hostage, the defender of Metro City will be powerless to stop me! I will finally have enough money to fund the beetle-centric scientific research the world NEEDS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Excuse me? Queen- Is it Beetle-Babe, or Queen Coleoptera?" Minion asked, his voice slightly tinny through the speakers. Hostage and villain both turned to the monitor-screens, where the bank security-feeds were suddenly replaced by Minion's scaly, frowning face. "Is this thing working? Can you hear me?"

"HOW did you get on my monitors?!" she demanded, turning away from Roxanne entirely as she faced him. "I used a secure link! Nobody would dare to pass my firewalls, lest I destroy them like a bark-beetle destroys elm trees"

"It's not like this is the first time I've done any hacking," Minion replied, grinning toothily. "Any-hoo, I'm just letting you know because you seem to be using a poorly-executed copy of our playbook, while on our turf, no less, so Megamind considers your actions to be a challenge. Don't say we didn't warn you!- Wait, why is-?"

"Don't condescend to me, you foolish fish!" she snarled, leaning towards the screens. "I am not intimidated by your cheap tricks! I am Queen Coleoptera, and my glorious beetles are superior to anything your master could possibly dream of! When I get the money and prove the innate superiority of beetles of humans and heroes alike, nobody will dare question my place as the top villain in town ever again! Just as beetles are the greatest of all insects, I shall prove myself to be the greatest of all villains! For I-"

"Wait a minute, I'm sorry, why isn't Miss Ritchi tied up?" Minion interrupted, turning his attention toward Roxanne. "Miss Ritchi, we hoped that if you ever decided to become Evil, you'd come to _us_ first! For one thing, _we_ would get you a real costume!"

"What?! Roxanne Ritchi is my helpless hostage, not a collaborator! My glorious beetle swarm keeps her from-" She broke off as a flying wrench hit the back of her beetle-shell. She didn't have time to react before Roxanne threw a motor at her; if violence was the only way to get this woman to shut up, then Roxanne Ritchi was more than happy to oblige.

That was when the robotic beetles attacked. Sharp metal legs and metal pincers, flying and crawling and attacking!

…Mostly attacking the parts of her that were covered in a protective clothes, actually; perhaps a flaw or a safety-mechanism in the programming?- Metal shells too hard to be squashed by humans hands, but at least they weren't going for the eyes- But that didn't mean those sharp little pincers didn't _hurt_, and there was a chance they'd get their act together enough to try lifting her high again-

_Beetle Robots! Buttons! _Roxanne dashed toward the control panels and started hitting buttons at random- _yee gods, why did this woman make even the BUTTONS look like beetles?! _The robot-beetles swarmed around her, biting and poking, and this outfit was definitely a loss, and _blue buttons-_

Now the swarm was playing some kind of jaunty tune as it attacked her _flip this switch and that one and that one and that one_-

Half the swarm flew off toward the skylight, possibly for nefarious purposes, but the other half was still attacking- and a hidden drawer popped open-

The drawer has a _ray-gun_; Roxanne has a ray-gun now, and she is definitely bleeding; she's going to need band-aids after this, and she's going to have to dress to hide the band-aids so she still looks good on camera, but. She's got a RAY-GUN now!

Roxanne ignored the pricks and buzz of the remaining swarm as she checked the settings of her new gun. Safety: _off._ Settings: _Kill, Stun, Sting_…

She set the gun to 'sting' and took aim. Beetle-Babe wasn't even paying attention to her- too busy arguing with Minion to pay attention to a 'helpless hostage'. The armored beetle-shell protected her back- but not the front of her legs. She pulled the trigger.

_ZAP!_

"GHAAAAH! How DARE you?!" Beetle-Babe shrieked, clutching at her leg and turning fully toward Roxanne, her face the picture of outrage. "Your tragic and violent death might have been prevented, had you not thus defied me! The world will witness your death on this- OWWWwww!"

The robo-beetles were still attacking, but they weren't making her bleed much, weren't going for the face, weren't trying to lift her high again and then drop her, so she ignored them. Her attention was now split between the villain and the camera. She had a reputation to maintain.

"This is Roxanne Ritchi, reporting from a warehouse on 668th Street, where Queen Coleoptera, better known as Beetle-Babe, is attempting a combined robbery and hostage-situation with the aid of her robotic beetles-"

_KAZAP! _Roxanne dodged out of the way as Beetle-Babe took a shot, _KAZAP! KAZAP! KAZAP!_\- and kept dodging, seeking cover behind the pile of crates on the far wall.

"Viewers at home will note that things are not going according to plan for Beetle-Babe, as we are currently engaged in-" _ZAP!_ "A firefight at her base of operations."

"Insolence! I will not stand for this!" Beetle-Babe pressed a button on her chest, and the beetle-like shield on her back opened to reveal a second set of wings. The mechanical wings buzzed as they kicked into gear, and the villain began to rise above the ground. "Just as the beetle flies above the dust, I shall fly above you! You are weak and limited to mere human capabilities, whereas I had the wisdom and foresight to emulate the mighty beetle- MEGAMIND! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!"

Megamind stepped through a recently-blasted hole in the wall, de-gun drawn and a cloud of brainbots at his back, and raised his eyebrows at her.

"I'm sorry, Minion was supposed to call ahead and explain. You're an incompetent copy-cat, you're trespassing on my territory, it that ringing any bells?" He shook his head. "In any case, I was going to put you in your place, but it looks as if Miss Ritchi has the situation under control?"

"No, no; don't let me stop you," she said, waving a hand magnanimously as Beetle-Babe gave an inarticulate shriek of frustration and began to rise higher into the air, looking between the two as if unsure who to shoot first, then- _KAZAP!_

Megamind leaped out of the way of the blast as the brainbots scattered and swarmed, bear-trap jaws against buzzing wings-

_KAZAP! KAZAP! KAZAP-! _

Brainbots wretching the gun from Beetle-Babe's grasp as she began to fumble, to lose altitude on heavy, damaged wings-

_ZAP!_ Roxanne took one last shot at the villain as she fell, and there were hardly any beetles attacking her now, and when she pressed the green, beetle-shaped button the buzzing wings finally stopped and they dropped lifeless to the floor-

Megamind spun the dial on the de-gun and took aim-

_Slunchlp!_

Beetle-Babe was on the ground, covered in a strange, translucent white goo. Correction- she was stuck to the ground, the goo holding her as fast as a fly on a fly-trap, her struggles only serving to glue her more thoroughly in place. An ill-advised attempt at biting her way free swiftly prevented any further Evil Monologues, to Roxanne's considerable relief. If someone was going to spend that much time talking, they should try to have something interesting to say. Or at least throw in some decent wordplay.

The camera was destroyed at some point in the commotion. Roxanne wasn't sure when that happened. She had a ray-gun, the villain was defeated, Metro Man hadn't even showed up yet, and Megamind was _looking_ at her now, his gun pointed toward the ceiling. Because the fight was over now, and it's always wise to know where your weapon is pointed, she aimed her gun at the ceiling as well, and looked back, her nerves tingling from the adrenaline-high of the fight.

"Miss Ritchi. Ah- Are you alright?" He bit his lip and seemed, inexplicably, nervous, staring at a point several inches above her head. "...Would you like to wear my cape?"

"...Is this another 'Evil Queen' thing?" she asked. "Because I thought I made myself clear the last time you brought it up."

"No! No; it's not- Unless you're interested, of course; the offer does still stand. You _know_ you look good holding a ray-gun, Miss Ritchi, and I think you'd enjoy the opportunity to carry one more often," he said, still addressing a point several inches above her head. "It's just that those worthless insects seem to have damaged your clothes, and my cape is the only length of fabric easily available at the moment."

Roxanne looked down at herself and flushed. Her jacket was in tatters, and her cute floral camisole was more holes and tears than fabric, leaving a lacy bra and quite a lot of skin exposed. Her skin was fortunately in better shape than her clothes: there were shallow cuts on her arms and little pin-pricks all over, some of them already scabbing over. Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, they were starting to sting.

"...I'll take that cape."

Megamind nodded sharply and gave his cape a hard yank. It slipped free from his spiked pauldrons easily: Megamind was not one to allow himself to be grabbed by the cape. They were both staring intently at the ceiling and avoiding eye-contact as he handed it over. Roxanne swiftly wrapped the cape around herself, draping the fabric across in a toga-like fashion probably looked a bit odd, but definitely covered her torso and felt at least secure enough for a temporary measure.

"My cape looks good on you," Megamind said, meeting her eyes at last with a crooked smile. "Are you sure you won't consider becoming Evil Queen? You'd get your own Super Villain costume, of course. Properly armored, of course, and you could pick whichever color you like." Roxanne shook her head.

"I'm sorry, but it's never going to happen that way, Megamind," she said, smiling flirtatiously, because turnabout is fair play. "We both know you'd never give up your career for me, so how can you possibly ask me to give up my career for you? Our lifestyles just aren't compatible." Megamind just smiled.

"Come and find me if you ever change your mind, Miss Ritchi. You might just decide that being Evil is more fun after all." With that he gave a dramatic bow that mocked at chivalry, and turned away. "You can keep the cape, by the way. Ciao!"

He walked out of the same blasted hole in the wall he'd come in through, and when he gave a whistle, the brainbots came flying after him. Roxanne stared after him for a few long moments, oblivious to Beetle-Babe's muffled struggles in the background.

Not two minutes after Megamind left, Metro Man came crashing through the ceiling and struck a heroic pose.

"Put your hands in the air, Beetle-Babe and Queen Cleopatra! Your evil plans are at an end!"

"You're a little late," Roxanne said, stepping forward in her makeshift cape-tunic, ray-gun in hand.

* * *

In the end, Roxanne was not allowed to keep the ray-gun. Apparently, it was '_evidence_,' and also an '_illegal firearm_'.However, she _was_ allowed to keep Megamind's cape. Possibly because she didn't actually tell anyone what it was.

It wasn't every day she was able to rescue herself, and get her hands on a ray-gun, so it was nice to at least have a souvenir to remember it by. Of course, it also wasn't every day that she was kidnapped by someone so dangerously lackadaisical and incompetent: sure, it had worked out well this time, but things could have gone very badly. So. It was nice to have the cape, to remember things by.

It was a reminder of her victory. That was all. Her choosing to keep it hanging in her closet, and occasionally wear it around the house, or wrap it around her like a blanket… that was just because remembering her victory gave her warm fuzzy feelings. That was all.

It definitely had nothing to do with the fact that it was Megamind's cape, which he had given to her as a gift. She wasn't actually stupid enough to take the whole 'Evil Queen' thing seriously. She knew it was just a joke to him. She knew that he wanted a henchwoman, or maybe a spy, or the status of winning over the hero's girlfriend. He didn't actually want her as a partner. Supervillains never did.

Okay, so maybe there was some attraction between them. So what! That was all it was: attraction. There was no way that he was actually interested in her _romantically_, no matter what he might've occasionally implied when talking of her potential as an Evil Queen.

She wasn't stupid. She was self-aware enough to know that any romantic interest from Megamind was just wishful thinking on her part. She knew it would never, could never go anywhere.

_The Super-Villain and the Nosy Reporter. Criminal Genius and Master of All Villainy meets Random Newsie. Criminal and Law-Abiding Citizen._

They'd never have a chance.

If Roxanne had some... secret fantasies where he swept her off her feet with flowers and moonlit dancing, or they rule the city together like a fairytale King and Queen, or he declares that he's fallen in love with her and wants to give up Evil and crime just to be with her…

Well, that would be secret.

Roxanne's too smart to set her heart on a fairytale, anyway.


End file.
